Waiting For A Baby: The Trials & Joys Of ‘Trying’ To Get Pregnant
While my regular readers know the unbelievable joy, vulnerability, connection and love Chris and I share in our marriage, what people may not know is that we have been hoping to become pregnant for 18+ months. I am 43, and that alone can pose fertility challenges. On top of that, my thyroid has difficulty converting T4 to T3, my pancreas is working to heal insulin and blood sugar issues, and I struggle with ongoing digestion and autoimmune challenges (that continue to heal each year, but still pose fertility obstacles). Thus, the process has certainly not gone without frustration, disappointment and a heap of tears.
The process has also helped serve to catapult extraordinary inner growth, spiritual connection, acceptance, and healing and bonding between Chris and myself.
When we first began trying to create a baby, we were checking ovulation, making sure to ‘sex it up’ during the right time each month, and so on. In the end, these rituals really only served to set me up to countdown ‘the days’ to my period, and then deal with disappointment, mental stories of ‘being broken’ and a tailspin of emotion resulting from intermittent self judgments, sadness and shame.
In the first few months, my mind went in every possible direction, positive, negative and destructive, self-compassionate and self-loving. At times I’ve even aligned with the societal and cultural pressure, noting, that to be a ‘legitimate female,’ a woman must birth children.
My feelings and mind have run many emotional marathons. I’ve envisioned Chris as the most magnificent father on the planet, which brings equal parts joy and hope, and fear and shame. Joy and hope because of the thought of creating a child with this incredible man and envisioning him with our baby is exquisite beyond imagination... and shame and fear because it hasn’t happened yet…
NOW: 18 MONTHS+ INTO THE ‘BABY’ JOURNEY
Thankfully, beyond thankful actually, I (we) have shifted into a space of acceptance over the last 18 months. Each time we decide to unhook from something we (all people) are overly attached to- including becoming a mother- and course correct toward acceptance; the sweetest experience unfolds. Oneness, joy, calm and Universal connection is birthed... again and again.
A key to living your fullest expression of life (body, mind and spirit) is this: Acknowledge and accept ‘what is’ in any and every given moment. And as each moment signals the many experiences of life- happy or sad, inspired or depressed, content or anxious, love or grief, joy or anger, bliss or heartbreak; we can embrace every ounce, because that is what it is to be ALIVE.
Our baby journey has strengthened my ability to connect to THIS moment, to the Universe, and to the inseparable oneness of all things. And though I fall down a lot, hope springs eternal in my spirit. I continue to believe we will have a child, I just don’t know how she will arrive. I may birth her, or perhaps we will adopt her.
I also know the pain of miscarrying, which happened again on Halloween, just last month. I’ve also coached countless clients through this horror and all the struggles related to ‘waiting for a baby’. I did a short stint on Clomid (fertility medication), which made me feel like a complete and utter crazy person, thus I don’t believe I’ll be taking part in that again. But, many, many couples choose to work with fertility specialists and have great success. Miracles and medical miracles are out there! I respect and honor all women’s choices.
For some women, the pain associated with trying to bring a child into the world can string on for years. Some ultimately become pregnant, others adopt, others accept that life is a gift with or without children, some are stuck in sadness and defeat, yet others are a combination.
Of course, parts of this journey have been deeply painful. Miscarrying last month was incredibly sad. And, it is in my past, where I must leave it. It affects me today only if I am living within the parameters of yesterday’s pain. For Chris and I, learning to rebound and move forward from painful experiences means practicing feeling, expressing, and communicating our pain / upset / anger immediately and completely.
Raw vulnerability is transformative.
And… while I do love and practice all that I am sharing, am also very human… I cried the entire day after the miscarriage, the pain was unbearable and our hearts were broken. I thought about and cursed all the damn teenagers who get pregnant the first time they have sex! And I grieved the loss of our 7 week old bean sprout that we had already fallen in love with.
And, another painful day emerged when I went to my OBGYN a few days later to make sure everything was healing from the miscarriage. I cussed the fifteen or so pregnant women parading their big bellies around the waiting room. And I wanted to tear up their sonogram photos! I had my moments. I gave myself compassion and understanding for the pain and the anger I felt- and then I/we slowly stepped into the next moment. I returned to my foundation of love for all.