Seeking To Be Understood or Accepted?

I talk about this concept when working with couples, however, it applies to every single person.

AND… all of it begins with YOU!

When seeking to be understood, you are looking for synergy, sameness, oneness, compliance, alignment, and agreement.

You believe that people who understand you are more like you, and therefore more worthy of your time, love, care, and attention. This is a common aspect of the human condition, or being a human.

When you are in this space, you tend to have similar people in your life. They dress like you, think like you, have similar political, religious, parenting, health, and relationship beliefs as you.

It happens in mass too. Large groups of people who believe they “understand” each other and therefore belong together as a whole, tend to congregate.

Families, businesses, churches, clubs, various cultures, and political parties can all do this to some degree.

We can get caught up in this group mentality of “no one understands us”, OR “we are misunderstood”. AND “we don’t understand you/your group”.

Interestingly, the dynamics of wanting to be understood, striving to be understood, or trying to force understanding is actually rooted in victimhood or taking a victim position.

This kind of thinking elicits separateness and elitism. Group mentality often dehumanizes “others” and leads to a lack of compassion, care, support, and love to those who are not “part of OUR group/club”.

If you think about it, It’s actually not much different than being in jr high and not wanting another girl to join because, “she doesn’t look right, dress right, do the right sports, and so on”.

Are we just catty, bratty kids in older bodies?!


Seeking to be understood is a micro and macro problem within our society.

The teenager who sits in their room and says to themselves, “No one understands me!!” is actually right! Their parents don’t understand.

It’s been a minute since they were teenagers, the world is different now in thousands of ways and they can’t possibly understand... And let’s be honest, most teens don’t believe they are understood.

The Native American who is struggling and losing their culture says, “Other American’s don’t understand why this way of life is dear to me.”

They, too, are right.

And when you come home from work and think to yourself after talking with your spouse, “he will never understand what it’s like to own a business”

This is also accurate.

AND… You won’t understand “them” either- and a lack of understanding or feeling understood does breed separation, loneliness, upset, division, anger, aggression, resentment, and the like...

So what’s the solution?


To be accepted and loved without condition is every single person’s deepest heart desire.

Seeking to be understood and to understand is divisive and usually comes with a person and self-serving agenda -- like gaining compliance, being agreed with, being right, and gaining attention.

The bigger ask, and more powerful gift, is that of acceptance.

I hear people say all the time:

  • I just want my boss to understand my point of view

  • I want my husband to understand my feelings

  • I want my kids to understand why they need to clean their room

  • I want this country to understand …

  • I want ____ to understand ____

The true underlying WANT here is this:

  • I want compliance

  • I want you to agree with me

  • I want you to do ‘it’ my way

  • I want you to see ‘it’ my way

  • I want to be the star

  • I think I know best

  • I think I know what’s right

  • I want to be the winner


(Are you feeling your feathers ruffled a bit? This can be challenging to hear…)

Then, when we DON’T get “my way” (under the guise of wanting to be understood + playing the victim or poor me card...), we begin to unleash emotional weapons.

  • We fiercely argue a point.

  • Begin criticizing, yelling, judging, or name-calling

  • We guilt and shame others for their perspective, opinions or point of view.

  • We shut down, stomp off, slam doors, or give the silent treatment

  • We punish and withhold care, love, sex, or other kindnesses

… all this sneakily masquerades as “wanting to be understood”.

These cycles are well worn egoic patterns, trying to do its job of perceived self-protection, as the ego’s main and primitive ‘job’ is survival. In days of old, people survived if they were part of a tribe, rather than on their own. The ego wants us to assimilate and to go along with the ‘easiest’ path.

Since the ego thrives on living in the past or the fut