Is Your Home Built More On Emotional Terrorism Or Emotional Sanctuary?

Most of us arrive at adulthood with at least a few crappy, if not horrible, habits (I think I had a few hundred)! Of course we arrive with myriad good and great habits and qualities as well, thank goodness!

Many of said crappy habits are present in the emotional realm, and certainly aren't exempt from spilling, or avalanching, into our most sacred relationships.

Isn't it just too true that those whom we care most about are also those who see and experience our darkest of shadows? What's interesting is those we'd never dare hurt intentionally, are indeed the ones who are bowled over in the wake of whatever dysfunction, aggression, and nasty habits we carry.

Life is a journey, and it goes essentially one of two ways … Life is lived haphazardly or intentionally.

Most of us begin adulthood on the haphazard train. Including beliefs, habits, behaviors, thought patterns, mental and emotional patterns, and characteristics of those who conditioned and socialized us, combined with natural personality and temperament.

This version of self either persists to the end or at some point a decision is made to lean into an intentional journey of self discovery and joyful living. On this path, you question each belief, thought, action, decision, habit and pattern to ensure it's aligned with our highest good and purpose, and then deliberately choose whether it's useful and you want to keep, shift or dispose of any given habit, thought, belief or pattern. When we remain aligned with haphazard living, many challenges exist and persist. Painful emotional patterns carried into adulthood are often that of emotional terrorism, instead of what we may prefer, an emotional sanctuary. Have you ever felt so wounded that you wanted to run, literally run, away from your lover? Conversely, have you ever felt so close to your partner that you wanted to stay in bed for a month or even crawl inside of their skin (ok, that's a little creepy)? While these are certainly opposing ideas in a relationship, you spend more time on one end of the spectrum than the other. These two points illustrate the difference between a relationship that embodies emotional safety and sustainability or emotional terrorism and an inevitable collapse. "There are few elements more important to lasting love than curating emotional safety."


The following list may be ideas you engage in, invite from your partner, or allow and thus take part in perpetuating. This list isn't fun, but remember as you read, any habit that you've learned and practice can be replaced if you choose to put forth the effort and dedication.

* Seething Resentment. * Silent treatments / stone-walling. * Codependence. * Accusing. * Excuses and blaming. * Lack of personal responsibility. * Addiction. * Shaming. * Criticizing. * Guilt trips. * Fear. * Withholding truth or feelings or partial truth or feelings. * Avoiding difficult conversations. * Pleasing or appeasing to avoid upset. * Pouting. * Door slamming or other aggressive displays designed to intimidate. * Passive aggression. * Lying. * Holding back love, care, sex, intimacy, or vulnerability as punishment. * Creating drama for the sake of having upset. * Justifying bad behavior. * Fighting to be right for the sake of winning.

Isn't an unhappy relationship the worst feeling? Check out this free guide to rescuing your love life! I know, it's not a fun list, and may have even given you a bit of anxiety or tummy ache. But it's important to acknowledge where you and your lover fall down as a couple (and as individuals) so you can learn to stand up on fresh inspiring ground as you move forward. If it makes you feel any better, in my old relationship life, I used to engage in or invite essentially all of the above- Ugh! But now almost never glimpse any of them. There is hope for all who want to live inside of a peaceful, loving, passionate sanctuary- and any couple can learn to foster such a beautiful space.