Starved Connections: 3 Tools For Deepening Your Personal Relationships


Are you feeling starved for connection?

The vast majority of pain, emotional suffering, anger, sadness, anxiety, illness, and depression are rooted in a lack of true, deep intimate connection to the Big 3: To others, to our inner spirit and to Mother Earth. Without those connections, we grasp, we force, we push others away, and we often engage in toxic and addictive behaviors, from substance abuse to over-spending. Discontent and dissatisfaction become the markers for our daily lives.

Our fears then act as intentions to keep our desires from manifesting. We find ourselves afraid to share our truth, heart and feelings. We may be afraid to say, “I feel rejected, abandoned, or sad.” Or to say, “I’m terrified.” Or, “I need attention,” or “I need to be held.”

For example, when was the last time you arrived home from a terrible day and said softly, “Darling, I had an awful day, will you hold me for a while? (Take me to dinner? Tell me you love and adore me? Tell me everything will be ok?)” Not likely… Instead we use defenses to remain disconnected, we snarl and bite at each other, behave with pride and resentment, all the while perpetuating the cycle of emotional starvation.

Like most of the ideas I teach, the actions to move us forward toward intimate connection and therefore peace, are quite simple. The following three actions will raise your level of connection, care, peace and joy!

1) ASK: Ask for what you want and need. The old adage is true: “Ask and you will receive.”

Interestingly, asking requires great courage and discipline. To ask for care when tempted to be angry or bitter will take courage and willingness to soften your heart, but more than anything, willingness to internalize that you are deserving to have your needs and desires met. The choice to not ask and therefore not receive, is a reflection of your self-perception. Look intently into your own eyes and say out loud: “I am deserving of this need.” By practicing this, you are inherently creating a cycle of giving and receiving, which is the very definition of harmony.

2) TOUCH: Touch seems so simple, yet we withhold it more often than not.

How often are you more inclined to watch your spouse/partner becoming angry and frustrated and then we retreat or lash back, instead of taking them in our arms? Recent studies have found that seemingly insignificant touches yield bigger tips for waitresses, that people shop and buy more if they’re touched by a store greeter, and that strangers are more likely to help someone if a touch accompanies the request. We all have the power of touch within us. We just have to choose to use it.