Closing The Adventures Of Baby-Making

‘It’s 11 am on May 15, 2016. I’m laying on the table in the doctor’s office, legs spread (ladies you know the drill). Meanwhile, the ultrasound technician is poking around looking for our nine-week old baby within my uterus. You know, the teeny tiny angel who is already firmly rooted in our hearts.

We were absolutely sure this time. After all, I had made it farther into a pregnancy than any time before, so it must ‘real’ this go round. We even new in our hearts that the baby was a little girl. Ruby Jean Haywood. Ruby, after Chris’s grandmother, the most-saintly women to walk the earth since Mother Teresa. And Jean, after my mother, the strongest, bravest and most caring woman I know.

Crested Butte, CO

Our precious Ruby Jean, we could not wait to meet her, hold her, and in this moment, see her on the ultrasound screen sucking her thumb (or at least, that’s how I had envisioned her).

My beautiful mother and husband, Chris, wait impatiently. Watching. Holding their breath.

And then she spoke…

‘… Hmm… the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks, are you sure you have the conception date right? ... there is just a tiny flutter of a heart beat conducive with a 6-week fetus…’

The rest of the visit was a blur. I felt numb, and then I was a wreck. I barely even remember speaking with the doctor. Aside from the expression of deep sadness on my mother’s face, (and as all mother’s know, the only thing that can bring a mother this much grief, is the grief in her daughters’ heart), otherwise, I just can’t remember.

I cried. And then I cried some more. And some more. Chris held me so tight, and eventually his strength and reassurance began to calm me.

It was such a huge blow.

My heart broke that day, into more pieces than I knew possible. Chris too, was heart-broken. We clung to each other for the next several days like children stuck out in a snow storm with nowhere to go.

We (Chris and I) are extremely fortunate, even in our most heart wrenching moments, in that we weather every storm with complete love, trust, safety, vulnerability and comfort.

I cannot imagine going through this life or any difficult (or joyful) experience without the unconditional support of my king of kings, my rock, my husband.