8 BELIEFS THAT CAUSE RESENTMENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
There are plenty of ways a relationship can turn south, but none quicker than when resentment invades your romantic space.
Your thoughts and beliefs can work for you or against you. Fortunately, any belief can be changed at any time! Relationships require far less “hard work” than they do dedication to raising personal awareness, and increasing compassion and understanding.
Let’s seek to understand how limiting beliefs impact your relationships so you can meet people in a more compassionate place, remove unwanted and painful resentment and build loving, connected relationships!
HERE ARE 4 COMMON LIMITING BELIEFS I SEE IN MEN!
1) “Be quiet and she’ll stop being upset”
Often when a woman becomes upset, men close down; afraid to say anything for fear of exasperating the situation. The truth is, a man’s voice can be very helpful. Sure, sometimes women become more upset, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak. It’s quite frustrating for women when a man sits like a bump on a log- it “feels” like you don’t care, even though it may be that you don’t know what to say. And yes, it would be far better if you chose words that were more comforting and useful than, “Just don’t worry about it” or “everything will be fine” or “just don’t think about it”. While perhaps this feedback is often true, if the solution your woman needed felt that simple, she’d have already handled it! Instead ask simple, but loving questions- “How can I support you”, “what do you need right now”, or “how can I help”. These questions will go a long way in cultivating care and connecting while removing resentment from both parties! 2) “She too controlling”
Some women (and men) use control tactics as a defense mechanism. The more controlling a woman tends to behave, typically equates to the level of trauma and abuse she sustained growing up. Control tactics often serve as efforts to manage life so more bad things don’t happen. (Uh huh, and you thought it was because she enjoyed being a pain in the ass!) When you notice control tactics, instead of feeling angry or resentful, try deploying compassion and understanding (it won’t be easy at first). AND, you must also set (or begin setting) extremely strong boundaries, speak your mind and ask for what you want clearly; or you will always feel like you're under her thumb. It’s important to remember that you are a 50% partner here and no one treats anyone in ways that aren’t permitted! Meaning- if she is controlling – YOU have invited this behavior and allow it! Interestingly, resentment ends up being equal to one who is controlling and the partner who feels controlled. 3) “She’s so moody”
Well… we women are built to be as waves in the ocean… sometimes the waves come in big and forcefully, other times, soft and lovely. Either way, both can recede in the next moment. Here is some SOLID advice men, and it could change your relationship life forever... Are you listening carefully? Let women have emotions (of all kinds) with being attached, afraid, intimidated or annoyed. As she feels accepted for her emotions, the emotions usually become smaller and less “bold”. As you detach and let go of feeling blamed or “in the hot seat” each time a wave or tidal wave comes in, your level of resentment will fade dramatically- and she will feel far more supported and loved simultaneously! You being accepting and detached doesn’t make any form of abuse ok however, be cautious of where this line is. You must at all times honor and love yourself. 4) “She can’t handle the truth”
Yes she can and of course she can! Perhaps you and your partner have set up a relationship in which you coddle her, make excuses for her or lie and withhold information as to “not upset her” and if this is the case, it can certainly be reversed. This is a common pattern that is wildly disrespectful of your partner and views her as weak and incapable. It's not your job to manage her emotions. It is your job to honor yourself and HER by speaking or setting boundaries, asking for what you want and to honor her by believing in her. Of course she will not like everything you have to say, but who does? No one agrees 100 percent with anyone! That’s life. Treating your partner as a child who requires your “superior” filter is very damaging to a relationship and will ultimately wind up in a great deal of resentment.
HERE ARE 4 COMMON LIMITING BELIEFS I SEE WITH WOMEN!
5) “He’s lazy”
A great belief to get rid of! This is an incredibly damaging and resentment building belief for both of you. You must beware of beliefs like this, as the more you believe in one, the more you promote its existence. I hear women tell me every day - “I have to do everything”. But is that the truth or is that how the relationship has been set up? Each facet of a relationship is either designed for success or designed for failure. The idea of “him” being lazy is faulty and rarely true, and also leads to failure. Our life is exactly how we have set it up to be. This may not be easy to swallow, but it is the truth! Perhaps you can begin letting go of certain responsibilities that are on the “less important” list and see how your partner responds.
I’d also love to help you if you’d like support, as this is one of the most common complaints of married clients, but not that difficult to re-arrange. 6) “He will to leave / cheat”
Oh yes, I remember this one as well! This one breaks my heart because it’s usually related to a woman’s deep insecurities, self “disbelief”, jealousy, and old wounds. When women face this challenge, it’s often the case that she's using this idea to keep her armor up, as to never be too vulnerable, and to push “him” away before something terrible can happen. Holding tight to this limiting belief can bring it into fruition, so please, be willing to spend the time mending this issue in your heart. It’s almost like women who own this fear, talk their man into the very action they most fear. As you learn to let go of these types of fears and limiting beliefs, you will feel more available to love and intimacy, while resentment fades. 7) “I’m not a priority”
I hate to say it ladies, but not being a priority in a man’s life usually reflects the fact that you’re not a priority in your own! While there are some crappy dudes out there who do treat women poorly, usually the challenge is that others treat you how you treat yourself! If a woman doesn’t believe in herself, protect herself with boundaries, speak her mind confidently, ask for what she wants and needs, or care for herself in loving ways… others probably won’t either, especially a partner. The resentment in this situation is actually self-imposed and self-directed, but projected onto others. Tend to your own self-healing and growth and the resentment you feel will dissolve in time. 8) “He doesn’t care about the home or family”
In 16 years of coaching, I have literally never encountered a husband that didn’t care about his home or family. In fact, it's quite the opposite, men love like lions when given the opportunity to spread their wings. I do however completely understand how women grow to feel this way, as well as resentful as a result. What really happens is that somewhere along the way, men can have a tendency to close down. If he feels in ANY way that he is “not enough” at home, as a father or as a husband, he may be inclined to close down, put up walls and stay away from the home when feasible (this is not to say you’re responsible). As his wife, YOU can however have a GREAT impact on him and his willingness to open up and share himself with the home and family. How to accomplish this will be in a future post! For now, know that it's very possible, that he wants very much to be a part of the family (unless there's something very odd at play!) and that you have the keys to making this happen! Intentional planning and design of a relationship is at least as important as planning for your career or business, isn’t it? Yet it's rarely attended to… Trust me, as you give more attention to the design of your relationship, you will experience love, passion and calm like you’ve never imagined!
Cheers to Liberate Living! Shawn