Most people just don’t know the difference between sex and intimacy; what distinguishes physical pleasure from deep ecstasy; or what is raw, primal connection compared to tantalizing sensory touch. During my 17 years of coaching, I’ve encountered very few women (or men), who naturally experience the essence of true intimacy.
While there are times that people can distinguish heightened tenderness, true intimate connection is far more than your average orgasm. It transcends time, space, body, mind and spirit; it is the complete and utter enveloping of yourself and another human being. In fact, I struggle to find words to describe it… What I do know from years of relationship coaching is that if we were taught early in life how to allow this “intimacy” to unfold, our lives would be forever changed for the better.
The challenge in coaching women to discover their inner intimacy is that we are surprisingly out of touch with ourselves and our innate sexual depth, our soft sensuality and our ability to experience intimacy in the rawest form. This results in feeling a sense of emptiness or loneliness, which can lead to depression, anxiety and poor self-care.
Women grow up and eventually learn the act of sex, but miss the best pieces of the intimate experience. How can women, who are supposed to be engendered with softness, intimacy, and sensuality, arrive in adulthood absent of such precious gifts?
The answer is simple: Many women are victims of lost or stolen innocence. I’ve worked with dozens upon dozens of women who were molested and raped as small children or teenagers, who have been mocked, made fun of or humiliated during their most vulnerable moments.
Women are often called sluts for wearing short skirts, yet paid to remove them at strip clubs. We live in a society where nearly everything from cars to clothing is sold on the premise of sex, though we’re shamed for desiring it. Women are so easily made to feel that they are objects, spoken about in terms of “big tits”, “hot ass” or “I’d like to ______ her”.
On the other end of the sex spectrum, conservative communities, schools and religious organizations teach only abstinence- to the detriment of any discussion combining sensuality, self discovery, gentleness, connection, intimacy and loving touch. This prevents women from forming healthy boundaries and age and emotion appropriate stages of sexual and intimate development. One of the most important tools—education— is missing during these critical stages, so we grow up not knowing how to honor one’s body, mind and spirit during sexual development and union.
My mother didn’t sit me down to discuss the ins and outs of sex or intimacy, nor share from her experience, or teach me about sex toys… she simply said, “Don’t have sex!” While her intentions were good (and like many moms, she wanted her little girl to wait to have sex until marriage) it didn’t help me come to terms with any sexual awareness—or more importantly, answer any of my questions.
Parental messages like this are damaging and confusing for children. I became one of the many women to arrive in adulthood with wounded, skewed, and/or painful blocks to the complete experience of a sexual union.
A free, fulfilling, emotionally connected, raw, gorgeous sexual being awaits each of us. Transcendence from “female child” having sex, to pure feminine energy expressing and experiencing beautiful ecstasy in her sexual domain is healing and liberating beyond your wildest imagination! There’s a reason mind blowing sex is often called “a religious experience!” An authentic sexual and intimate experience is inseparable from your higher power (God, Abba, Universe…)
We must find the genuine piece of this that resides inside each of our feminine prowess and share our discoveries with our daughters so they may avoid some of the pain that can shroud the entire intimate experience.
The vast majority of women struggle with the deepest and most vulnerable pieces of her sexuality because it’s been broken, beaten, bullied, abused, taken advantage of or ripped from her.
Sadly, what lingers is a soft painful yearning, emptiness, or a lonely dark cloud hovering on her sexual horizon. Frequently women don’t even realize something is missing, and if they do, they have no idea how to reclaim it. If no one teaches us to honor and develop our own truths, feelings, beliefs and emotions regarding sexuality and intimacy, we are overcome with mixed emotions and mixed signals when it comes to sex, often feeling shame and fear.
But, your sexual landscape is yours to create—it is not too late to lift the veil of sexual and intimate confusion so you can enjoy intimacy like you’ve never experienced!
Being sexually adventurous and experimental is of course a great deal of fun and has many benefits. Yet, combining your curiosity with true, unadulterated intimacy meets a level of sexual sensuality that few have the pleasure of experiencing!
So what’s next? Liberation and intimacy healing.
There are steps you can take on your own. Next weeks blog will address actions you can take to kick start your journey. Additionally, a personalized coaching program will facilitate your progress in efficient and fruitful ways. We will help you through the steps to healing sexuality and intimacy so you can ultimately expand joy, pleasure, connection, vulnerability, intimacy and heightened sexual experience.
Reach out if you'd like support along your journey!
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In Love & Liberation, Shawn